Retirement process long covid

Well… this is not something I thought I would be writing about at my age (36).

Back in September it was agreed with work that it just didn’t seem like I was getting better enough to return to work and we couldn’t see a point in the future when I would be able to either so I had to make the decision to apply for ill health retirement due to long Covid.

For whatever reasons relating to NHS HR services it took months for me to receive the forms to complete with my information. Finally today I have submitted my application with additional information to occupational health to forward to the pension people. I feel a bit pessimistic about the application as a lot of people a lot older than me are being denied as they may one day make a “spontaneous recovery”. I mean that could be said for any disease or condition so i’m not 100% sure how any one is able to get their application approved but meh.. don’t ask don’t get right?

It has been a stressful couple of weeks putting all of the information together. The form is quite basic in that it asks for your details which HR complete, you do the usual GP address and information like that. In the section B which the applicant has to complete they ask for your work and education/training history. Fortunately on my degree top up I had to make a more academic style CV so I was able to edit that and add it as an attachment. It rubbed salt in the wound a bit to see all that education and training reduced down to this situation.

The next part of section B was adding any additional information you feel may support your application. I had no clue what to put here really so I took advice from some other healthcare workers in a similar boat to me. I wrote an impact statement type thing. Bloody hell this was depressing. If you ask me how I am you will get the usual British pleasantries, maybe a little grumble about being tired. I had to lay everything bare here. I wrote about my career and ambitions that are now un attainable. Good bye masters at LSHTM and future Matron post/Full time hours. I wrote about my physical health and the effects of my condition on day to day and family life. I really do sleep a lot, if you see me one day, the next I will be sleeping. I did a timeline of a typical day which again sleep, rest, sleep. I included a few references of research showing the long term problems with my conditions just to highlight that spontaneous recovery is very unlikely. The final piece I included a summary of my original return to work etc back in 2021 when I first developed COVID. Of course it was generally a mess and I am very lucky that Chris, my husband, worked his magic on re writing and general presentation. All in all the additional information was about 8 pages and my CV about 2. My manager wrote me a summary for the HR/manager section too as we felt it wouldn’t hurt to have a better context to everything we had tried.

So yeah it had been a pretty tough couple of weeks having to think about it all and face up to the level of disability I am now left with (tough since 2021 really), I had the flu or something recently which has added to my symptoms, I think it has made my POTS worse as I am having a lot of dizzy spells and pre syncope. My electric wheelchair is amazing though and is allowing me when i’m able to join in family activities.

To add to the tough time Izzy broke her arm at school. She fell over at lunch time and the school gave her an ice pack. After being home an hour or so she mentioned hurting her arm. I gave her a bath before bed thinking it may help any aches and pains but it made her feel the pain more. Chris got back from climbing and we decided that it was probably best to get an X-ray as a bump shouldn’t be hurting as much as it seemed to. I was impressed with how quick they managed to get her seen in A and E. She had a small fracture on her radius right near her elbow. Fortunately she didn’t need a cast but she did have a sling for a couple of weeks. She seems to be on the mend and we got the all clear today for her to be able to go out at playtime in school again. She cannot climb or do contact sports for another few weeks but it should really help her being able to play with her friends again instead of drawing and colouring in at breaktime. She got quite low when she realised all the things she wasn’t able to do with a broken arm but fingers crossed now she is on the mend and with my forms are completed we will have a calmer home.

So overall a mixed bag at the moment. I’m trying to make things seem less shit, fortunately I have an awesome husband and daughter who look after me very well. I don’t know what the future holds but fingers crossed things will be clearer in the next few weeks. I am awaiting dismissal from work but the IHR process has to be underway before that is completed.

Just keep swimming

Well, more of a float around slowly and breathlessly….

What a time it has been since my last post. I was unwell which has bought back the breathlessness and joint pain which is just marvellous at 3am when I wake up with my legs and shoulders hurting. The new wheels are awesome though so at least I am starting to go out and about more and not have to put up with too much afterwards.

Work has reached a resolution. I was given options, come back, career break or ill health retirement/dismissal. I had been thinking about it all from the start and of course agonised over the decision. I am in the process of applying for ill health retirement I have no idea if I will get it as it’s an independent decision by some NHS occupational health company. It has been a mixed bag with other long covid staff… some have managed but others have been told “it’s likely there will be a cure in the next 20+ years” which considering all the related conditions that haven’t had cures since their discovery 100+ years ago that seems like a bunch of crap. I’ve gone with the thought that if you don’t ask you don’t get… either way I’m getting my P45 at some point in the next few weeks-months. Age goes against me massively here as I’m “young” but again, we shall see. In the mean time I’ve got my Etsy shop and once I’ve gotten over the mind F of this all I will see if I can find any remote work.. even if it’s gig based as that may suit me better.

I have explained to Iz what’s going on. She has taken things really well and is being so good to me. I am proud of her ability to adapt to everything. It has been a massive help having her grandparents near by, they’ve really helped get some normality back in to her life. You really learn who your friends and family are when you go through a tough time so thank you to those that have been here for us, the messages help.

I had the joy of my missed follow up hospital appointment the other day. Fingers crossed the biopsy comes back ok and I get discharged from the clinic. I was meant to have 6 monthly check ups/biopsies to monitor for abnormal cells/cancer but I got lost in the covid back log and it took a while for the secretary to understand what I wanted (got an appointment through for next august!) but it all got sorted so now hopefully things will resolve and I can tick this off the mental load list. I didn’t realise how much it was bugging me as I’m quite tired now I’m getting over the anxiety of it all.

Mr B is away until tomorrow due to a work conference. I’ve got Iz who decided we’re having a PJ day today which has suited me fine. The dog is terrified of fireworks so he is attached to me this evening. I have a feeling they’re both going to end up in my bed! Iz has been having a bluey marathon today too which to be honest I’ve not found too bad as it is a great show. I was impressed with myself as I managed to entertain her by shoving a catalogue in her hand saying look at what you want for Christmas! She went quiet and spent ages making a list I now need to transfer to her Amazon wish list. She asked if we could decorate the house. As much as I’m partial to an excuse to decorate etc I’ve told her it’s still too early. I’ve not taken down all of the Halloween stuff yet!

Mobility aids

I was looking at this with a view that I have “given in” and finally purchased some mobility aids but now I’m thinking No! I am taking some control back.

Yeah that sounds cheesy as hell but after receiving my power chair today and having had a walking stick for nearly a week I do feel a bit more in control and less house bound. It’s quite optimistic as I ( or rather Mr B) unpacked the chair and I took it for a spin to the local shop under supervision. It will take a lot of getting used to, there are tricks for managing hills and bumps in the road I will need to figure out but yay shopping trips!!!! I will be able to go shopping again!!!! Yay me boo for my bank account.

It will just be nice to join in life again, not have to wait in the car whilst the family nip in to a shop or miss out on events around the city. I will definitely have to build my stamina back up and generally manage fatigue and post exertion symptoms from being sat up right and alert but it’s nice for the first time in a long while I’m feeling excited. There’s a trip to ikea in my future which I usually hate, even when I wasn’t disabled, but doing it with a power chair is way more manageable. I just really need to make sure I continue to pace and manage my energy levels.

so how/why did I decide on a power chair?

I researched for a while. Feeling like I wasn’t “sick enough” for any aids but I couldn’t really leave the house or do much so surely mobility aids were exactly for this? I have been granted a blue badge and pip yet getting my head around the label of being “disabled” was a bit of a mind fuck. Fortunately my brain has been able to process things as “it is what it is, now let’s get figuring out a way forward.”

I had looked online at loads of websites. There were so many things to choose from and consider. Weight limits were an interesting problem for user weight and the general weight of the machine and combined with ability to fold in to the boot of a car and how easily this could be done. I originally wondered about a mobility scooter and a wheel chair but decided scooters were more likely to be denied entry to some shops where as power chairs gave me the control compared to a manual chair and also were more comfy and better suited for my needs. That said, if it comes to it I may end up having a scooter and a power chair if I find I can cope with the increased number of journeys and want to “off road”. There’s so much to consider! But definitely if you’re wondering what to buy, try everything you can! I thought I wanted a Kwiki power chair but I managed to trial one and it just wasn’t for me, though I did find a scooter I’d definitely consider if I wanted one eventually. I tried the Foldalite trecker which was great for me. I tried it in a CareCo show room, unfortunately they had a fire at their warehouse at the time I went to order it so I ended up going with MobilityCo. Both companies were great. CareCo will price match other sellers and the staff were generally kind and helpful, I didn’t feel awkward at all and they really let me try out the chair to make sure I was happy. MobilityCo Mr B rang and ordered from them, it was delivered to our door in about a day. The website was easy to use and the trecker was cheaper (was going to have CareCo price match but the fire…). The chair cost about £2100 and I am very thankful that I am fortunate enough to be able to afford it. There are chairs that are cheaper and more expensive ones available, I chose this chair purely because it suited my needs and I preferred the way it looked.

The stick:

My walking stick was a bit of a random purchase. It was on sale at CareCo so I tried it and realised it was helpful. Everytime we’ve gone out since I’ve taken it with me. It has helped me to keep balanced and with dizzy spells. I did have to go back to the car on Sunday during a trip to Dunelm but I made it further than I would have without the stick and I was also able to get back to the car without too much trouble.

So overall I’m having a mini crisis over the fact I’m 36 but feel about 86 with my chair and stick but I’m finding ways to counteract those feelings… I mean the joy of spending more time with my family helps but it has hit at a point where I’m starting to head towards middle age, a few grey hairs amongst other wonderful things people don’t seem to tell you about that will happen once you hit about mid 30. I think this is all being reflected in my ongoing purchases of black/alternative clothes I’ve been collecting lately. I am planning to dye my hair some crazy colours and stuff so hopefully I will feel settled soon enough.

Say Hi if you see me whizzing past on the streets!

Disabled

It’s one of those things you don’t really think about, it happens to other people. I am now officially disabled I guess? Covid has taken my health from me, possibly my career. Fortunately my husband and daughter are amazing so they are still here helping me to live my life all be it differently to what I expected.

I was able to secure a blue badge and have been granted a few years of PIP payments. It sucks it has come to this but everything helps! The blue badge has been so useful and has allowed me to go places and be more confident, it helps that one of my favourite coffee shops has a space right outside!

I am on the look out for some mobility aids now. I was able to trial a scooter on a recent trip, it was really tiring being upright and alert all day but I was able to join in and it was fun whizzing around doing do-nuts. I just need to find one that can fold nicely in to the car. I have also thought of getting a wheelchair which may be more practical for what I need it for. I’m just waiting to have the energy to check out a local mobility place I can trial things. I’m thinking I may now need a shower chair too as standing/washing my hair is a race between getting the job done and feeling like I’m going to faint. All these things I’ve never had to consider before!

I’m still experiencing the bone tiredness. I’ve had to stop working which I don’t know how things will go. I managed to revalidate recently so at least my options are open for the next 3 years for nursing as a whole but as for my current role I have to wait and see what happens after my discussion with occupational health. It’s generally on a whole a really shit experience to go through but I guess at the end of the day I’m still alive and have my family….

My hope is over time I start to be on the up again and can finally sort the house out. After a couple of years of long covid things are a mess, I have plans… just need the energy and ability to execute them haha!

Long Covid 2021-2023 and on the up (hopefully)

It feels so weird to look at the time frame in this title. 2021and 2022 passed in a blur of woe and symptoms. I’ve started writing the date ending in 2022 as I can’t seem to get my head around the fact I pretty much lost a year and it’s now almost half way through 2023!!!

So what’s been happening with me? I’ve acquired a few diagnosis and undergone some tests. Unfortunately/fortunately I had access of private health care through Mr B’s work. Without It I don’t think I’d have gotten anywhere fast. I’d still be doing breathing exercises and pacing as my two options. I’ll go through my problems and work to show you what has worked for me.

Respiratory- I have been diagnosed with asthma after seeing a consultant respiratory Dr privately. I’d said to my LC clinic and GP I thought it was asthma but I got told no, it was dysfunctional breathing. I did a peek flow diary and trial with an inhaler via the consultant and they diagnosed me with asthma. I now take a daily steroid inhaler. I still get breathless and stuff but having that satisfying feeling of being able to take a deep breath again feels so good. I’ve had tests for sleep apnoea but due to the separateness of NHS and private I’m currently awaiting an appointment on the NHS to discuss a sleep study overnight oximetry test. It’s highly likely I’ve developed sleep apnoea too, which is annoying but hopefully the treatment will improve things.

Cardiac- I had an awful experience with a Dr I paid to see who totally disregarded my symptoms. I did have an echo which put my mind at rest that things were structurally ok but all the other symptoms were ignored. I was told I’d become de conditioned due to the pandemic. This annoyed me as I had been working as a nurse doing all the hours I could to help so I wasn’t sat indoors all day everyday… The respiratory Dr recommended a cardiologist i’d seen people mention before. What a difference they’ve made. We had a long talk about symptoms, medical history etc. I got given an ecg to wear at home, it was meant to be for 7 days but the instructions were wrong so they got a days worth of data ooops! I did a blood pressure 24hr test. Overall I was diagnosed with Dis autonomia/Pots. I had mentioned this to the first Dr who said I’d have had symptoms for years if it was that. Well in discussion it turns out I’d been having some mild symptoms for years anyway which I’d just put down to that’s just how I am/symptoms of other problems. I’ve been started on a cardiac medication called Ivabradine which lowers heart rate. This has helped me a lot and made a real difference in how I feel. It’s nice not feeling like my hearts about to explode every-time I walk to the kitchen. As this Dr specialises is dis autonomia/pots I’ve also been taking low dose naltrexone which is an experimental drug. It has helped overall I think.. noticed especially by the days I do t take I! I still suffer with fatigue but I think the LDN has helped reduce symptoms overall. I’ve been started in another drug ketotifen which is a MaST cell stabiliser. I’m not getting on to well with it at the moment as it makes me drowsey, I hope with time it will improve.

Fatigue- as mentioned I’ve started taking LDN. I am still trying to pace. I’ve gotten better at allowing myself to sleep instead of fighting it. Sometimes it’s just best to give in and have a mini nap rather than persevere and feel rubbish. I still can’t walk very far which is a mix of everything but I’m doing more and more as I can and things are going well. I’ve applied for a blue badge to help with getting out and about.

Pain- when I over do things this comes back with a vengeance! All I can do is rest. I think the LDN has helped stop it being a daily occurrence.

Hair- a lot of my hair fell out. It is now growing back in so I have crazy frizzy baby hairs. This just seemed to take time and I bought watermans shampoo and conditioner to support hair growth. I don’t know if it was a coincidence but my hair got a lot better once I bought the hair stuff.

rheumatology- I went to see a rheumatologist due to the joint pain, mouth scores, weird spots etc. I’ve had rheumatology stuff ruled out which is a relief! There is inflammation somewhere so due to my symptoms and history I’ve been referred back to gastro who want to run some tests as it’s been about 5 years since my last batch. I’m not looking forward to this next Monday.

Work- work has been an interesting battle through the time I was off. At one point I was at risk of losing my job. Luckily conversations were had and reasonable adjustments were made. I’ve been working from home for nearly the last year. In the last few months I’ve started going in to the office for a few hours on a Friday, in the coming weeks I am aiming to increase the time in the office. It has all been very complicated to get to this point but I am pleased I’ve managed to keep on in my career. I’m thankful that the team I work with have been understanding and supporting me to work differently. My Etsy shop Titchabelle is open again and doing ok. It is a nice distraction.

So overall I am in a better place than I was. A big part of improving has been accepting that I am now left with a certain level of disability and then concentrating on what I can do instead of mourning for what I’ve lost. At least it gives me more time to save up for an epic trip to Disney world once I’m able to manage it!

Long COVID so looooong an update

It’s been a while since i’ve updated. Mainly due to long covid and my brain being totally frazzled. I’m having a rare moment today where I feel I can concentrate for a bit to write though it’s taking me longer than usual!

So what’s been going on? My main symptoms are still brain fog, fatigue and pain. I’m sleeping so much it is crazy! I sorted some washing out on Sunday and spent Monday and Tuesday having to rest as I felt so tired. I don’t think I ever understood the phrase bone tired until I developed long COVID, I literally feel the fatigue in my bones. The pain is much the same. It affects most of my joints but my knees seem to be pretty constant, I have some tablets that seem to take the edge off. It is a really weird pain, definitely not osteoarthritis bones rubbing. I am thankful my feet aren’t hurting at the moment. I had to buy a shiatsu foot massager a couple months ago as my heels were in agony.

I’m still off work for the moment as i’m not well enough to concentrate as much as is needed or to be able to get up and stay out of the house. I’m trying to do little things when I can but it is tricky. fortunately my in laws have moved near us and are being a massive help which I am very great full for.

In other news I don’t have cancer!!!! I had a scary few months where I was being tested for endometrial cancer due to abnormal bleeding. I don’t know what caused the problem , my GP has floated the idea it may be a COVID related side effect or vaccine side effect but the jury is still out on that. i hope between treatment options and time i get better. i developed anaemia as a result of the problem so now i have more tablets to take, i think they are helping a bit.

So all in all 2021 has been a bit crap. Not my healthiest year ever. Iz is loving school snd doing well and Chris is still Suffering a bit too. Ive started Christmas shopping early this year to save the stress down the line. im finally taking the pacing advice on board.

Long COVID

It’s been a while since my last post. Not a lot has happened this year in some ways but in other ways life has been completely turned on it’s head. I had COVID in January and unfortunately didn’t fully recover. I suffered with a variety of symptoms afterwards and have been referred to a long COVID clinic which i’m still waiting to hear back from.

So June happened…. I was thinking of returning to work in my office and building it up as I’d been working from home since the end of February. As if the universe sensed my unease at going back it decided I was going to be struck down again with COVID!! Yep despite having had 2 vaccinations and a prior infection I spent some of June feeling like death. This time it felt like the Flu. I had a chesty cough, unbelievable fatigue and generally rubbish. A lot of time was spent on the sofa, unfortunately Iz took over the TV so we watched a lot of kids TV shows. After the acute phase of having to stay indoors the fun began! My oh so familiar friend Long COVID decided to start again from square 1. It’s weird as it is following a similar pattern to last time so at least I sort of know what to expect and that things should improve with time. Here are my

main problems

Skin- there may have been an incident when I was 12 that a small child asked me if I had chicken pox as I had a particularly bad break out on my forehead. Apart from then I’ve always been blessed with relatively clear and blemish free skin. It’s like my teenage years and then some have been given back to me by the state of my face at the moment. It’s all on my chin, nothing seems to work to fix it but I think it’s just something my body has to go through. Last time I blamed some new face wash I’d bought but I guess it wasn’t that. I’m not leaving the house much at the moment so it’s not too bad from that perspective and I don’t have to wear makeup to cover it but it is annoying me, especially as I’m a poker, Iz keeps telling me off. I’ve got some peel away charcoal mask so hopefully that will help once I get to it.

Hair- Last time after a few weeks/months I started losing my hair in places. I didn’t notice at first but then I could see thinner parts at the front of my head. It started to grow back but I’m now a bit worried it will happen again soon. I’ll have to practice some hair styles!

Joints- The pain is unreal! I don’t know if it is reactive arthritis or what but it seems like it. My knees constantly hurt, sometimes some pain relief I have helps. My shoulders have started hurting and my toes. If it’s like last time my fingers and elbows will start soon… my back and hips have had some aches, I felt like I got stuck on the sofa the other day as my hip seemed to lock. The tendons are starting to hurt as well. I can feel it in the back of my knee and it’s a really niggling pain, this week my heels/feet/ankles have decided to hurt too. I’ve tried stretching which helps the heel pain a bit, I think I’m going to try some Pilates or something when I can. I know you’re probably sat there thinking “oh but you’re fat, of course your knees hurt” I thought that at first too but it’s a very specific kind of pain that went during my acute COVID infection and seemed to be lessening prior.

Lady stuff- My hormones have gone haywire. I’ve got to have an ultrasound scan at the end of the month due to heavy bleeding. It is draining, it’s made a lot of things feel way worse as I could definitely do without all the menstrual type feelings and discomfort.

Other- My heart rate shoots up with the slightest thing I do, I get out of breath really easily, I have to sit on my bed everytime I walk upstairs and catch my breath. I can’t walk very far, I’ve managed to the end of my road and stood around for a bit a couple of times but things hurt and I get tired. I’m really going to work on this once my feet pass this painful phase as it sucks not being able to walk to the shops or take the dog to the grass. I’ve not taken Iz to school or picked her up in ages, I think 2 pick ups this year. It’s the summer holidays soon so I’ve got a few weeks until September.

Other weird things- mouth soars and a soar tongue. I get this a lot and it is not nice. It feels like mouth ulcers in my mouth and on my tongue. My sense of smell and taste has gradually come back. That was a very odd symptom to deal with. I’ve gained weight I guess from not doing as much, hopefully that can be reversed once I’m getting better.

Brain fog- This time around I can follow a tv show, read and even write blog posts but beyond that I’m a bit dodgy still. Any complicated thinking or slight stress is too much. The fun part is forgetting words and having to really concentrate during conversations to say the right thing and actually keep up with what I’m saying/remembering the topic. This seemed to pass last time and hopefully will again. Iz is really in to her school work at the moment and keeps asking me simple maths questions. Sometimes that’s a bit stressful haha!

Fatigue- This is my biggest problem along with the pain. I know I’ve moaned about being tired before but oh my God!!!! No matter how much I sleep,sit,rest it is never enough!!! I feel it in my bones. I wake up, get Iz ready for school and then have breakfast. I usually end up falling back asleep after breakfast. At various points in the day i’ll be awake and then suddenly I’m sleeping again. It’s like having narcolepsy! In the evening- Nap, if I sit in my bed whilst I wait for Izzy to go to sleep I sometimes end up falling asleep myself. Then I go to bed and sleep. So much sleep! So tired. I’ve been a bit better recently as I’ve been going to my parent in laws and they’ve visited so it’s forced me to be awake though the heatwave this week has messed me up as a couple of nights I barely slept. I’ve tried various things to try and avoid sleeping but if I have a drink, walk about a bit, do a small job I always end up asleep again eventually.

So that’s where I am up to at the moment. I’m currently off work for I don’t know how long. Chris and Iz have been great helping me and putting up with me. Hopefully my next post will be about how great I feel!

Covid long hauler

So who thought it would all be over by now?
(warning, some whinging below\a bit of a pity party)

It’s almost a year since I last posted and lots has happened and lots hasn’t happened in some ways as we’ve been dealing with the pandemic. We bought a dog!! He is the best, I’ve become one of those crazy dog owners with their own dog Instagram account. Iz started school. My parents have moved house, Chris’s parents are going to move up North near to us, Chris changed jobs. I started my own Etsy shop (@Titchabelle on twitter and insta) selling pins and badges.

We all got Covid around Christmas/new year and I’ve been one of the un fortunate ones who has likely developed long Covid. Fortunately Chris and Iz are ok and are able to pick up the Titchabelle shop and general life stuff whilst I try and gradually find my new normal/get back to normal.

It has been a strange time really. I was poorly in January and was aiming to get back to work after half term in February. My first day I was due back I sat sobbing on my bed to Chris because I couldn’t physically sum up the energy to get up and go. I worked 2 days from home and asked for a referral to occupational health. Fortunately the nurse who I spoke with has been dealing with long haulers and understood what I was feeling. It made things so much easier. I’ve been put on a phased return and have been working from home. It is a strange feeling but I am so glad I have been able to try and work. I don’t think I realised quite how ill I was maybe. My oxygen levels were ok at the time but recently my GP asked what they were if I moved and they plummet and my heart rate shoots up. I have a chest x ray in the week, my bloods show inflammation. I can’t walk very far at the moment, I managed to walk to my favourite coffee shop in town last weekend but I had to stop a lot and I think it was too much. Picking Iz up from school the other day made my chest feel like it was going to explode I was breathing so fast.

My other big issue is fatigue. I know I’ve moaned before that I didn’t feel well, felt tired etc but this is like nothing I’ve had before… well a little like when I was quite poorly with IBD before but still even then I was able to do more and work. I feel the tiredness deep in my bones. On my non work days I wake up in the morning, get Izzy ready for school and eat breakfast, fall asleep again till about midday, wake up and shuffle about a little bit, maybe put on a wash load, wait around for Izzy to come home, play with Izzy a little bit outside but mainly sit and watch, watch tv with Iz, shower her and put her to bed, watch tv/play a switch game now I can concentrate again. Go to bed and repeat. I’ve had the odd walk here and there with the dog to the grass or shop around the corner, cooked the odd dinner or something as time has gone on. It’s just such an odd feeling, the whole time feeling like I’ve been on a massive long walk because I made dinner.

I feel like I am heading in the right direction though. I am managing to work from home on my few days a week though it does make me tired and I have been napping afterwards. Fortunately the work involves me sitting on my laptop so I am managing it. I am doing more around the house when I feel like I have the energy to do so which makes me happy. I usually hate washing up but I’ve found it’s something I can stand and do sometimes. I’m managing to shower pretty much daily, if I’m honest I’d probably manage to get a shower in on my death bed knowing me. I hate not having a shower and feeling unclean. I end up sat on my bed for a while afterwards but it’s a small price to pay!

Other things I’m suffering with- joint and muscle aches, brain fog, concentration and memory issues, processing issues- I can’t take in too much information or multi task particularly well, weird tingles in my hands and feet/nerves and shooting pains, chest pain (not cardiac), heart rate issues though I think they’re improving, mouth ulcers, sore eyes, feeling dizzy. My right knee is particularly frustrating me though I think that is due to me slipping over one day in the hall on my way to answering the front door.

There’s probably more. The irony isn’t lost on me that my digestive system seems to be handling things remarkably well.

I am trying to remain positive though, I feel things are going in the right direction and I have annual leave, Easter and Izzys birthday coming up so it should be a good month!

Parenting in a pandemic

The months since this pandemic started have flown by. We’ve had lockdown Birthdays, Easter, missed days at nursery, returning to nursery days, school acceptance and sort of school visits. It’s coming up to my birthday soon so I always feel quite reflective at this time of year. I’ve had a few things pop in to my head recently but tonight Iz won the battle for the space in my head.

Kids are amazingly adaptable to situations, it has blown my mind how as a 4 year old Iz has grasped the concept of the germ and the pandemic. We’ve not seen some family since November/December. Fortunately before things ramped up we did go away with my parents for a week and my in-laws managed to visit as soon as we were allowed visitors in the house once the lockdown easing was implemented. We have managed to keep in regular contact with my brother/Izzy’s cousins So at least we’re still able to watch the kids grow.

It has been hard watching Iz go through a range of emotions. Near the start of lockdown we had a wobble where she said people didn’t love her anymore. I think she struggled to understand not being able to visit or have any visitors and we’d not got in to the habit of video chats. It broke my heart that she felt those feelings but we re assured her she is very much loved. Recently Iz started back at nursery after staying home for several months. We’ve had some anxiety from her, she doesn’t like the “bubbles” they’ve separated the kids in to, she wants to play in the “big room” with the other kids too. It is hard but I am glad she is back, it will hopefully make starting school in September easier.

Anxiety does seem to be a bit of an issue. It isn’t helped by me having to isolate for a week just before her birthday and Easter with Covid symptoms. It has made her worry about me more and the fact I’m working at the hospital. I was on call this weekend and had to go in Saturday and was on my laptop most of Sunday working. Before bed tonight Iz asked me “why do you have to go to work mummy?”. I didn’t really know how to answer that! I managed to say something about helping people. Iz has decided that she wants to be a nurse like mummy and help people too when she’s older. Hopefully she won’t experience any more pandemics! She asked me again a bit later and started talking about photos in her room. She was worried as she couldn’t remember some of the days out and things pictured in them. I guess time is very different when you’re small! I managed to distract her by talking about the things she could remember about Grandad and our holiday at the start of the year.

I really need to get a move on and order Izzys uniform for school. She is quite excited but also asks the odd question about the germ and “will it be gone by September when I start school” . I always say something about it being a bit like nursery with the bubbles so she understands, she’s looking forward to seeing one of her favourite friends as they are starting together. It’s funny thinking back over the last few years. It hasn’t panned out at all how I thought things would, from Izzy’s birth, my work, what we get up to etc. I think about all the sadness I had over missing certain “firsts” when Iz was born, to now missing out on a typical starting school experience but to be honest… it’s been an interesting few years! I’d not change a thing (though maybe the episode where I was unwell) Who else has a story about starting school in a global pandemic!?!

I’m waffling a bit but I’m just amazed at my little girl. She is a thinker and so clever, I definitely wasn’t this clever and aware when I was 4.

Emotions

Acknowledging I want to eat all of the food seems to have been the best step to take to get back on track. I’ve definitely been struggling with eating due to boredom or to push down my emotions with dealing with all that’s going on. Iz likely won’t be going back to nursery which is a bit heart breaking, end of an era stuff. Currently I’ve taken to expressing my emotional state out loud as “I want to eat all of the food”. Having a tea or coffee seems to help.

I’ve made a few tweaks to my plan which have helped. The diet company do their own fava beans as a snack. They’re not magic or anything so I’ve ordered some from elsewhere. They came today and were a nice buffer between breakfast and a late lunch. I’ve also taken to having popcorn ranging from 43-65 calories a bag depending on type. Again it works within the food allowances. The diet says for step 3 have x for breakfast and x for lunch made from salad but feck eating that much salad when I usually have it for dinner. I’m sensitive to too much fruit and veg. I’m getting my vitamins and minerals and the macros are working out about the same so it should be ok.

I think I’ve at least hit the 4 stone marker now. I weighed myself tonight on the “dodgy scales”, accounting for time of day and clothes worn I’m feeling confident I’m in the next stone bracket. I’ve really noticed a difference in my shape and clothes this past week. So much so my consultant mentioned it when I opened the door Friday and I’ve been sending some before and after progress pics around and you can see it. My face and shoulders have changed, my waist is more defined and my arse is noticeably smaller which is always a good thing! Even if Iz likes to tell me it’s smaller but still not small enough. Kids are great..

I’ve been thinking of baked eggs since I’d seen someone post a dish on twitter earlier. I realised I can have that as a meal. I’ve got chickpeas to use which I’m unsure of so maybe Wednesday after I’ve finished my work week I’ll try it. I need to get more adventurous with my dinners, hopefully I can put some of the negative emotions that leave me wanting to eat in to just thinking of a good meal idea. You never realise quite how addicted to food we are or mainly me! It pacifies us. I’m sure there’s 30 odd years of psychology to unpick there.

I’ve been doing better at the liquid goal. Still not 100% but been at 2l and above most days since being back on things properly. It’s getting hotter with summers arrival so I am conscious of getting more water.

let me know if you have any good 200 cal recipes, ideas for drinking more water or if you’ve found an amusing spelling mistake. My auto correct is on one at the moment and I don’t always pick up some of its changes. This has made for some interesting texts in the past week.